Business Bollocksphere

Buzzwords now have their very own "Wiki"

Wikipedia has now got in on the act as well - check out their buzzword wiki :-)

Buzzword Wiki

Buzzword Bingo

You may or may not have heard of the phrase "buzzword bingo"? Well, it is a fun game to play in boring meetings - you can get your buzzword pdfs from the first two links below. The third link speaks for itself! Thanks go to Matt Walker for these. He doesn't want you to know where he works - he just says "As for credits, name only please - this isn't company related, it's a stove-pipe task that appeared from left field during a conversation with Pete that we had taken off-line :-)".

He's obviously a lot better at this than me.

Buzzword Bingo Card 1

Buzzword Bingo Card 2

Business Speak Generation Table

And check out our Wicked Links page for some other cool stuff.

Bollocks "In The Wild"

The below was sent by our friend, Matt Walker, who says: "I had to laugh today, I was reviewing a project proposal document, and one sentence just make me laugh. I have never seen so many buzz words in 1 simple sentence…..I have made the business speak words [bold] but this is the sentence word-for-word:"

"The strategic aim is to standardise the infrastructures to drive down operating costs through supply based consolidation and leveraging group spend as well as exploiting best-in-class technologies and practices to provide robust, scalable and agile services with excellent customer experience."

If you know what any of that means, be afraid, be very afraid!

Bollocks on CVs

The below was sent by our friend, Don, who says: "I spotted this on a LinkedIn profile today."

"Marketing professional with experience of implementing integrated marketing communications to deliver a range of targeted campaigns."

...Then

"Brand development, delivery of direct marketing campaigns using online and offline channels, website content management, event management and developing relationships with external marketing and design agencies.

"Clear as mud" writes Don. We agree.

Dilbert and Bollocksphere

From the Wiki entry for Dilbert:

In 1997, Scott Adams masqueraded as a management consultant to Logitech executives (as Ray Mebert), with the cooperation of the company?s vice-chairman. He acted in much the way he portrays management consultants in the comic strip, with an arrogant manner and bizarre suggestions, such as comparing mission statements to broccoli soup. He convinced the executives to replace their existing mission statement for their New Ventures Group, "to provide Logitech with profitable growth and related new business areas", with "to scout profitable growth opportunities in relationships, both internally and externally, in emerging, mission-inclusive markets, and explore new paradigms and then filter and communicate and evangelize the findings."

We here at Bollocksphere think Scott Adams and Dilbert are class. To read the whole Wiki Click Here.

Bizpeak in the News

Even the Beeb are on about it: check these links out:

50 office-speak phrases you love to hate

Councils get banned jargon list

...and so is the F.T.:

A Surprisingly Good Year For Management Guff

Lexicon of Bollocksisms

I [Didi] decided to have a little fun with interpreting some of the classic terminology used by those that dwell in the b0ll0cksphere and have made a table - have a look at the first link below. For the printer-friendly version, Click Here.


BuzzwordDidi's Interpretation
1000 ft viewIsn't it about time we did this in metric?
A steerSomething that goes into beefburgers
Administration footprintThe effect of the US Government on the rest of the world
Aggressively dressed downBeing badly told off - or going in to work wearning pyjamas and slippers?
(the latter excludes home-workers like me who do this as a matter of course)
BandwidthAs in "I don't have the bandwidth" - when saying you are "too busy" isn't quite true,
in fact you are busy trying to beat some SOB at on-line poker
Banging for your buckIs this just another way to say "breeding like rabbits?" asks our friend, Marcus.
BaseliningA new expression for a type of drug abuse?
BYOD"Bring Your Own Device" We provide the network, you bring your laptop / mobile phone / tablet / frying pan …
BrochurewareI bet Tim Berners-Lee hates that one!
C-SuiteSecond-second-hand living room furniture
Connect ear-to-earWhat's wrong with saying "speak on the phone"!
Cost-neutralFor when use of the phrase "it doesn't cost anything" just sounds too boring
DeliverableSomething that has been sitting in your drawer gathering dust and should
have been given to that client ages ago
Drill-downSomething that happens to you at the dentist
EmbeddedI overslept but I'm not going to tell you that
Extended enterpriseToo many chiefs and not enough indians
FacilitateLove the sound of your own voice!
Five nines45? Yes I can remember how to do basic maths
Focus groupOptometrist training course
FrameworkSomething on which to hang ideas that will never come to fruition
(perhaps because no-one understands what anyone else is on about)!
Going forwardThe phrase to add to a sentence to lengthen it and therefore make yourself sound important!
Go-to pointsPlaces on a Monopoly board
Heads upSomething akin to "eyes down" to do with Bingo of the non-buzzword variety perhaps?
Helicopter ViewWow, things look scary down there!
HR... aka Human Resources. Our friend Dave writes, " when did the Personnel Department retire? It's a safe bet never to trust someone who feels the need to put "human" in their job title.". Well said, Dave!
ImpactYes, sh1t happens. Deal with it.
InsourcingGetting a colleague to do your job for you
Intelligent membraneLets you know when it is time to go to the toilet
Interim CIO managementUh oh, that must mean the company is fubar
IssueFor when use of the word "problem" will get you the sack
Let's take this offlineThought bubble: "I am in trouble and I want to persuade you that it's your fault not mine"
LeverageWell let's face it, the verb "to use" just sounds so boring
LinkageSomething to do with corporate bondage perhaps?
Low-hanging fruitOur friend Marcus told me "Whoever says this needs theirs harvested!" I agree.
MetricsSomething I think I did at school and that I can't remember
Move up the value-chainPrice yourself out of existence
Multi-sourcingGetting just about anyone to do your job for you
OutsourcingGetting another company to do your job for you
Paradigm shiftWell, use of "a change in thinking" will just prove you didn't pass Bollocksphere 101
Process modelSomething you do in Visio
ProcurePete found in the dictionary "to arrange for sexual partners for others",
so beware next time you use this word!
ProcurementBut "purchasing" is just so passé
Pushing at an open doorWell, you just fall over!
Put the toothpaste back in the tubeWhat to do if you've argued with your spouse about squeezing the wrong end (of the toothpaste tube)!
Quick winA nice fantasy
Rainbow viewsThe right-brained version of "helicopter ...".
Reach out to someoneSounds more shrink-worthy than business-worthy to me!
Resources...but use of "People" implies responsibility and consideration is required.
Revenue streamThrowing money down the toilet
ROIThe bean-counters have been doing creative accountancy
ROSIThe auditors have been doing creative risk analysis
Shift LeftBasically, give the job to someone else
Square the circleTrying to fit a square peg into a round hole
StakeholdersPeople that assist vampire-slayers
Stove-pipe taskI have no idea but Pete reckons this is a "Victorian hat manufacturer"
but I have no idea why (hats ain't my thing)!
Sweating the assetsWhen an accountant squeezes out as much depreciation to put against the
profits that they can so shareholders don't have to be paid so much!
Team playerA highly manipulative individual
TractionOur friend Marcus says "Whoever says this needs it applied Torquemada style". We couldn't agree more!
TransformationalA change in career
Transformational AgendaSomething they do at electricity service providers
Touch baseWhat may happen before a charge of sexual harassment!
Vendor-agnosticA way of saying "vendor-neutral" for those that might believe in creationism
Walk-aroundsSkirting the issues



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